Chaos. Confusion. Controversy.
The wind rustles through the trees as I look through our kitchen window while doing dishes. It is a tangible and physical representation of how I am feeling inside. Things are rustling and there is a subtle yet constant feeling of uneasiness that nags at my mind and causes my soul to ache. It’s a feeling that I am missing something or forgot to complete a very important task. It is this presence of dread and I feel like Eeyore; there is a gloomy rain cloud hanging over my life that, at any second, can send a drizzle or a downpour that soaks my soul and has the potential to destroy my little house made of sticks.
For the past six years, I have built a little niche private practice for counseling, acquiring several contracts with different entities. Within three weeks, those years of work disappeared. My two oldest children had their little worlds turned upside down, being taken out of a school they love, away from teachers that loved them, and not seeing friends from school or church for months. Our fantastic nanny is also out of work because I am home, and every day I feel immense guilt over her not being able to work either. Memberships we have to do fun activities with the kids can’t be used. Weekend getaways, milestone birthday celebrations, and vacations completely cancelled. We can’t go to church. One can’t even go through the drive through at a Starbucks without being lectured on wearing a mask. Every day, I receive some sort of news that an activity or event that we thought we could participate in to create some sort of normalcy is being changed or cancelled. My children don’t understand when we try to explain that parks are closed, beaches and national parks are closed. We can’t go to the beach, the mountains, or the lake. My oldest daughter has been waiting all year to take her very first trip to Disneyland for her birthday, and we aren’t sure that we will be able to take her. Now I am constantly worrying and talking with my husband about how our children are going to get an education: Are we going to do distance learning or are we just going to pull them and homeschool? I can’t get on social media to just take a moment to NOT think about everything because every social media platform is being used as a soap box. And if you have a different view point, idea, or experience, you find yourself arguing and fighting, rather than just having a conversation. So, I just isolate. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. And I lay awake at 2 and 3AM every morning feeling the weight of all this swirling around in my mind and heart.
I’m still in a sense of shock as things change every day. When I’m not in a state of being numb, I feel angry. Sad. Frustrated. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Confused. I’m in a state of limbo: am I going back to work, or should I just figure out life in this annoying “new normal” that everyone keeps telling me we now live in? I want to scream from the depths of my being: “There is absolutely nothing normal about any of this. Stop telling me this in going to be my normal now.”
I know that I am far from alone in these feelings and experiences. I know most of us are experiencing these things in some, way, shape and form. But I don’t talk about it. I may text a friend a meme that encompasses my feeling in that moment, and I get a thumbs up or “LOL” in response, but that’s the depth of any real conversation. I feel alone, and am seriously considering asking my husband to find a job in Wyoming so we can just leave and live alone on a 100 acre ranch, without technology or connection to other people. Or, maybe we will join an Amish community. Their way of doing life is beautiful and more appealing to me every day.
Alas, running away is not the way of being a light to this world. Jesus said: “For a brief time still, the light is among you. Walk by the light you have so darkness doesn’t destroy you. If you walk in darkness, you don’t know where you’re going. As you have the light, believe in the light. Then the light will be within you, and shining through your lives. You’ll be children of light.” John 12:35-36 (MSG).
He was telling His disciples that He was still with them, so to pay attention. Learn His ways and truth, because there was a time coming (very quickly) that He wouldn’t be around. In fact, they would probably feel numb, angry, sad, frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed, confused, and in a state of limbo. In fact, after Jesus’ cruxifixction, they went into hiding. Life had been turned completely upside down. Everything they thought, experienced previously, and planned for had been completely over hauled and died with Jesus on the cross. They were hiding for their lives, mourning the life they had just 24 hours previously. The change came suddenly and even though Jesus was clear in telling them He would die, they were surprised by the events that took place. I imagine they were together, crying, sitting in silence, and trying to figure out the next step . But, I anticipate there weren’t many words spoken, because what do you say when you’re experiencing a life shattering event? Not much.
When Sunday morning came, the tomb was found empty. There was life; but it was different than what they had anticipated or planned or thought it would look like. However, it seems that they had become aligned with God’s plan, rather than trying to make up their own. They had an epiphany of understanding and a soul deep obedience to follow it. The early Church was born, and changed the world.
Maybe this time is a period for me to sit quietly and mourn the life that I thought would be, so I can get aligned with God’s plan. Maybe this is my epiphany of understanding. Maybe this is birthing something that will cause me to have soul deep obedience that will be a part of a movement that will change the world.
Despite the chaos swirling around me in the world, in my life, and in my head and heart, I have seen God give me those tangible things that I need to keep following Him, and not to run away. My husband has THE most stable, consistent job, ever. Financial blessings have come is many more ways than just a stimulus check. I was able to find several home school materials for free or severely discounted. I have had a door open for me to be able to make the exact amount of money each month, while being at home and able to help my kids through school. It’s as if God Himself is whispering to me, “I see you. I got you. Keep going.”
As much as I want to run and hide, and find the life that I had before, I can’t help but think that this new life will be much more meaningful and impactful on my and my little Sinisi Squad. So, today, despite the emotions, the chaos, the confusion, and the controversies, I am going to be thankful. It is in the darkness that one sees how bright a light shines. It is my prayer that the light within me from Jesus HImself shines bright for all to see. May it lead me to be a blessing, a joy, and breath of fresh air to a world that is drowning in darkness.